Shards of Truth
by Tuulikki
Summary: Mokuba's thoughts about his 'dear' adoptive father and his niisama.


This is a songfic about Gozaburo (and Seto) from Mokuba's pov. That's really all I have to say... The song is _Juulian totuudet_ (Juulia's Truths... 'j' pronounced as 'y' in you... ), a Finnish song I've translated the best I could.

According to the manga, Seto was ten and Mokuba five when they were adopted, and Gozaburo died six years later. I don't want Mokuba to be too young in this, but on the other hand I don't want Seto to be too _old_, so... let's say that they're about nine and fourteen. Yes... and in the end, Mokuba's 14, and Seto, well, 19 then, I guess.

What else... oh yes. Song lyrics and thoughts are in italics. Although I guess you can see that without me telling you...

**Disclaimer:** Yu-Gi-Oh! is the property of Kazuki Takahashi till he dies or sells it, and even in those cases the possibility that it would end up in my ownership is quite minimal, so... Shortly put: I don't own it, and I never will. And I don't own the song either.

**Note: since fanfiction net doesn't anymore allow song lyrics used in the fics, I had to remove them. If you want to read the fics with lyrics go to mediaminer. My username is the same there.**

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**Shards of Truth**

White and black pieces of wood set on a checkered board. Okay, I admit, they are finely carved pieces of wood, but it's still quite amusing how interested we all are about them. Maybe some great secrets will be unveiled to us if we stare at them long enough...

No. Must not laugh now...

I turn my face to the window to hide the small grin that's playing on my lips. Can't let him see it, he's angry enough with me as it is. I guess that's why he's forcing me to follow these games; it's some kind of a punishment for being late. Although it really wasn't my fault that I was late, how could I help it if the _bus_ was held up? He could have sent a limo to get me, but no... I guess getting some kid home in time isn't worth the trouble.

As I stare into the dark night I hear the gentle scraping of one of the wood pieces being moved and turn reluctantly to look. He is staring at the chessboard with a small smile, no, with a small smirk, actually.

"If you were going to castle your king, Seto, you should have done it much earlier."

I don't like his tone. As if he were talking to a child... Well, yes, technically he _is_ talking to a child, but he doesn't have to make it sound as if niisama didn't know anything about playing chess.

I suppress a sigh. He's doing that on purpose, of course.

I frown as I look at the chessboard. I'm not that good at chess, but I know enough to see that it was not going that well for niisama... once again. They have already played three games today, and he has lost them all. I can't help wondering how he was able to defeat Kaiba-san in the orphanage. Well, I guess there are two alternatives. Either Kaiba-san didn't take him seriously and didn't pay enough attention to the game, or then he _let_ niisama win. It could be the latter... I remember how he looked at niisama when he was challenged, with some kind of cold interest.

I see that Seto's frowning too... He shouldn't. He shouldn't care about what that man says. But I know how much he hates losing, especially when I'm watching. Maybe I'm not the only one being punished here. Or then... he's doing this to niisama because he knows that hurting him, in any way, hurts me too, and since it's me he wants to hurt he hurts niisama cause it doesn't matter to him if someone else gets hurt too, and... Uh. This is getting a little too complicated. I just don't understand the way he thinks. Maybe it'd be best to stop even trying to understand.

I think that niisama has stopped. He doesn't care anymore... I don't anymore see the question in his eyes as he looks at our adoptive father. I see only... something cold - a desire to win - something that I would expect to see in _his_ eyes.

It makes me scared.

I stare at the frighteningly composed man who is just making his move, trying to see into his mind. What are you doing to my brother? Why are you doing it? And niisama, Seto, why are you letting him...? Can't you really see it anymore, how he turns everything upside down?

Maybe that _is_ easier. Not to think, just hate, and ignore everything that would only make life more difficult.

"Checkmate."

I sigh as I see Seto biting his lip. He's doing his best to hide his feelings, and he is pretty good in it, but fourth defeat in a row is clearly making him kind of grumpy.

I watch Kaiba-san as he starts rearranging the chessmen, putting them all back in their places.

"One more game. Maybe you could this time offer some resistance, this is getting boring."

You know, sometimes I really hate him.

Hmmm... My gaze has wandered up to the ceiling. There's a chandelier up there, quite pretty and very expensive looking. Why can't it fall down on his head, he's sitting _just_ below it... C'mon, fall, fall, fall... I close my eyes and concentrate on the chandelier, willing it to fall down, but nothing happens. Oh, well... I guess I'm not any better in telekinesis than I'm in reading minds.

Niisama is cool again, and as before, his face is blank. And when I say blank, I mean blank. There's not a trace of any feeling, of _anything_... Watching his face is like watching some stone statue. I've seen that mask on his face before, and I've never liked it, but it feels that lately he has been wearing it more and more often.

Kaiba-san is playing black this time, so he starts. I follow the moves, absentmindedly recording what I see; I'm not even vaguely interested in them. I've seen far too many chess matches today. Raising my eyes from the chessboard to Kaiba-san's face that is hovering mere inches above it, I wonder if he's wearing a mask too. And what's behind that mask... Here I go again. But I just can't help myself. That man is such a great mystery, I've never met anyone who's even remotely like him - and that's a really good thing, I think. I study the lines on his face thoughtfully. What do they hide? What has happened to _you_ to make you as you are, or have you always been like this? Do I even want to know...?

Too many questions that can never be asked. Lot's of questions I'm not sure I want answered.

Everything is just a game to you, I know that much, life itself is just a toy - and all the people, they're just pawns. Who made you God, tell me? Who gave you the right to use others as you will, as if they were yours?

I know, I know... You've said it many times. 'The strong survive, and the weak have to fall.' The law of the jungle.

It's kind of funny, you know, that a man who appears to be so civilized as you would follow the law of the jungle. The grin tries to form on my lips again, but this time I manage to keep it in check.

So you treat everyone as if they were your chessmen. Play your games with them, sacrifice those you don't need and reward those you want to tie more tightly to yourself. And when one game ends, you just begin another.

I'm one of those pawns too, I know. I don't want to be, but there isn't really anything that can be done about it. For now it's best to obey silently and go along with everything, no matter what I think. That's the easiest way after all, and even niisama is accepting of the fact. There really aren't any alternatives.

I lean back in the chair staring at the ceiling, at the damned chandelier that just can't drop... probably it'll drop on my head some day, that'd be just my luck...

Easy but dangerous... After a while, doing that, just obeying without thinking... it makes you kind of dull. Really, _that'd_ be the easiest thing to do, just to let go of everything and be content in existing. I guess that's what he wants me to do, to become some mindless puppet... but not niisama, though. Not if he wants him to lead his company someday.

I hug my knees as I stare at the pretty chandelier. Actually it's so pretty that it'd be a shame if it were wasted on him. Maybe he could just stumble on the stairs or get into some traffic accident or...

"Mokuba. If you are going to sit, sit properly. Or maybe you would rather stand?"

With a start I realize that he is staring at me angrily and quickly I straighten up. Niisama is looking at me too, but there is no emotion on his face. Nothing.

"I'm sorry, Kaiba-san," I mutter and he turns back to the game.

I sigh as I look at the chessboard. Oh niisama, losing again, aren't you...

I don't want to watch the game so I turn to look out of the window, hoping that _he_ won't get angry about it.

It's dark outside. The evening is drawing to a close and the sky is clouded, though it's not raining yet. I watch the autumn leaves that the breeze carries by the window. The wind is rough with them, it throws them around mindlessly, scattering them here and there as if it were angry at them.

I don't like this evening. It feels... somehow wrong. Ominous. I wish I were in my own bed... no, I wish I were in niisama's bed and that we were both sleeping peacefully instead of being stuck here. I'm afraid I can't go to him tonight, though... I know that he'll want to have some time alone after this.

"Checkmate."

I close my eyes as I hear the voice. How does he manage to sound so... so... I don't know if there even is a word, which describes what he sounds like. His voice is so cold, it lacks all emotions, but still you can hear from it exactly what he thinks.

'Pathetic'.

I hate him, I really do...

"So, Seto, I guess it's time to stop for this night. There isn't really any point in continuing... I have to say that you weren't at your best tonight. Were your thoughts on something else?"

I suppress an urge to snort. Hardly, and you know that too. That's never the case when niisama's playing. And he wasn't bad. He played really good, I know that. It's just that you're a Grand Master, how easy you think it'd be to defeat you?

I hear him putting the chessmen away. Seto hasn't said anything. I haven't yet opened my eyes, but I don't have to. I know what he looks like. Pale and emotionless. Like a statue.

"Was it that girl? The one I saw you staring at yesterday, the new employee?"

Niisama's still silent, but I have to bite my lip not to scream out. So what? So what if he looked at some girl? Why can't he do that? What right do you have to tell him what he can watch and what he can't? Besides... I'm not that interested in girls, if you ask me they're kind of strange, but... I think that these things are really everyone's personal affairs. You could stay out of them, at least.

But I know that if you think that someone belongs to you, he doesn't _have_ any personal affairs unless it suits you. Or amuses you, to let him think he actually has something before you snatch it away.

Seto hasn't still said anything. Maybe he shook his head or something, I can't know since I haven't been watching.

"She is not working at Kaiba Corporation anymore."

I open my eyes, but I don't turn to look at them. Instead I stare, again, out into the windy night. I have a feeling that I'd much rather be out there, even on those cold streets than in here.

I don't like this. Niisama is so silent; I know that it's not a good sign... I hope he won't do anything stupid. He seldom does, of course, but now he's tired, probably pissed off, quite possibly irrational, and _he_ is deliberately trying to make him to lose control.

"You should know that I don't encourage things like that, especially not with the employees. They are nothing more than servants to us... you really had no excuse to make contact with that girl."

_Personal - just for fun_

A chair is moved, and I hear someone getting up. After a while I see his reflection in the window as he places the chessboard on its shelf - a place for everything and everything in its place.

Niisama is still quiet... I wish he would say something.

'Nothing more than servants...' Yes, I guess it's true. They're nothing more than servants to _you_. But does that mean that they have to be that to us too? You treat your interpretation of the truth as though it is the only option, as if everyone else had to think about everything just in the way you do.

This is making my head ache...

I look at the street lamps outside. It's funny... their light seems to be kind of warm. Inviting. People say that we're lucky, adopted by a rich man who can offer us anything. Some people have to live on the streets. Y'know, sometimes I kind of envy them. Kind of. I'm sure that their life is, in fact, really hard but... at least they're free. It feels funny that they probably envy me too.

It's funny too, how dear, sweet Kaiba-san is in making everyone believe that everything's fine. I guess that's because he believes it himself... I mean... I'm pretty sure _he_ doesn't think about himself as a devious bastard who's ruining our lives.

I press my nose against the window and stare at the lamps, ignoring the distorted reflection I still see in the glass. Sometimes it feels that truth is like that reflection. Something that you can see - if you choose to look at it - but every time you do look it's a little different, depending on your viewpoint... and it never makes any sense.

"Is tomorrow's training session at the normal time, despite the meeting?"

Niisama's voice, finally. He is angry, I can hear it in his voice. I wonder if _he_ is able to hear it too... he doesn't know niisama as well as I do.

Suddenly I see niisama's reflection on the window too, he's standing right behind me. Strange, I didn't hear him getting up... Then it strikes me. What does he think about my behavior? What if he thinks that I'm not looking at him because I'm shamed that he lost?

I turn quickly around and flash him a bright smile. You're still my nii_sama_, still my hero. I'd like to say it aloud but I can't. Not when _he_ is listening.

Niisama doesn't say anything, but I see his face softening a little, becoming a little less statue-like, and that's enough for me.

"Yes." I give a start when I hear _his_ voice. Seto turns around to look at him. "There is no reason to change your schedule because of the meeting. I trust you have everything prepared."

"Yes."

Kaiba-san nods slowly and picks up his whisky glass from the table. I watch him as he takes a sip of it, and suddenly it feels like my brain stopped functioning for a moment. I'm tired of thinking... I wish I could go to sleep.

Why can't you let us go to sleep already?

I'm tired of _you_. Tired of your lectures. Tired of how you take one little piece of truth and wrap your lies around it so that no one can anymore tell them apart. Sometimes I wonder if you yourself know what is true and what not... or if you even care about it.

...I'm tired of that word too. Truth. It's kind of useless. I mean... it's so easily twisted, and no one can ever know for certain what the 'truth' is. It causes more trouble than it's worth.

Kaiba-san and Seto start talking about the meeting... or actually, Kaiba-san starts talking and niisama listens. I'm not interested in it so I don't pay any attention to their conversation. Why should, anyway? Niisama's just happy if I stay out of the corporation's business, he doesn't want me to get involved into them too, and Kaiba-san... well, he really isn't interested in me anymore.

In the beginning he tried... I'm not sure what he tried, really. Sometimes he gave me presents, sometimes he was almost as cruel to me as he is to niisama. I don't understand what he was trying to accomplish. Sometimes it felt as if he was trying to buy me, bribe me, sometimes it felt as if he was just using me to control niisama... I don't know, and I don't care. I know that he doesn't care either, doesn't care about what I think or feel. Whenever I say something important he just dismisses it as incoherent babblings of a little kid who doesn't understand anything about anything.

Yeah... let him think that way. Who cares?

I lean my forehead against the window. It feels wonderfully cool...

"We will meet tomorrow, an hour before the meeting. I want to be sure that you really have prepared everything in an orderly fashion..."

One leaf is caught in a whirlwind... spinning round and round it rises all the time, higher and higher... I follow it with my gaze, wondering how it would feel to fly like that. I'd probably get dizzy... Heh. I grin a little. Wonder if the leaves ever get dizzy...

"You will spend the morning practicing, then you will attend me at eleven am sharp. The meeting will end before the training begins..."

Hmmm... My forehead left a mark on the window and I think that the window left a mark on my forehead... I rub it quickly with my sleeve, but it doesn't really help, it only spreads the mark. I stare at it, feeling a little unsure. Maybe he won't notice anything.

"...The meeting won't take long, anyway. My business associates should agree on my plans."

There's a snort. Reluctantly I tear my eyes away from the window and turn to look at the two figures standing by the table. Just be quiet, niisama... a little longer...

"Yes, that's right... so they _should_. What choices do they have, anyway? You are the one controlling everything... _Associates_." The word is filled with sarcasm, and there's another snort, followed by cold silence.

...It's strange how silence can be cold, but this surely is.

"So I am."

Somehow, the words manage to be even chillier than the silence.

"And you would do well remembering that," Kaiba-san continues icily.

"What for?" Niisama's voice is so quiet that I barely hear it. It makes me shiver. I _really_ don't want to be here... Why can't I wake up in my own bed... why can't this just be some stupid nightmare? Then I could go to niisama and he'd let me to sleep there with him and all would be fine... Yeah. Fine. Sure. Now _I _almost snort.

Kaiba-san walks to niisama, stands right in front of him and stares into his eyes. "You belong to me," he states matter-of-factly. "What happens to you - and to your brother, I might add - lies solely in my hands. But you know this already, of course..."

He falls silent and stares thoughtfully at niisama who stubbornly returns his stare without saying a word.

"Discipline," he suddenly spits out, making me start. "_That_ is what I want, and what is needed to make things work in the business world. _And you know this_."

As I watch them, I suddenly feel myself as a leaf, flying with the wind, completely without a will of my own. The only thing I can do is just to sit back and watch them with a sinking feeling.

"Discipline." Suddenly his eyes dart to me, making me stiffen involuntarily. On closer thought... the chandelier really _could_ fall after all.

"Mokuba. Go to your room."

Quietly I get up from my chair and walk slowly towards the door. I know... I wanted to get away from here, but right now I'm _afraid_. Niisama shouldn't have irritated him, especially not now when he was angry to begin with. From the door I turn to utter a quiet good night.

It feels ridiculous.

"Good night, Kaiba-san. Good night niisama..."

There's nothing good about this night.

Once the door closes behind me I start to run. Run, run, run... I _hate_ walking alone in these corridors. Especially at night. It's not like I was scared, but... I just don't like the atmosphere of this house. The gloomy paintings on the walls, the soft carpet that muffles your steps, the closed doors that hide things behind them, things that really are best kept hidden, I'm sure.

Finally I reach my room and dash directly to my bed, not even changing into my pajamas. I curl up into a ball, hugging my knees and shutting my eyes tightly, I wish I could fall asleep soon... That way I wouldn't have to think about what is going on right now in that room I just left behind... I wouldn't have to think at all.

No such luck. I lie there awake for a long time, trying to drive all that has happened today away from my mind. The wind blows outside, the branches of the trees beside the house rattle my window, and all I can think about is 'if only he were dead'... so that we could be free.

–

I bolt up in my bed, staring into the darkness as I feel my heart somersaulting in my throat before it settles down back to its right place.

I don't know what startled me out of my sleep... Probably the tree branches hitting the window louder than usually... that tree really is growing too close to the house. Maybe we should get it cut down.

Shit.

I was dreaming about him, once again... I can't remember my dream, but I know this feeling. I always feel like this when I've dreamt of him. Like I was still caught in some never-ending nightmare... It's weird that years after his death he still has so big an effect on me.

For a moment I sit in my bed listening the storm rage outside and telling myself that I'm way too old nowadays to run to big bro because of nightmares. But... After a while I jump out of my bed and slip to the corridor.

_Thump, thump, thump..._ I wince as I listen the muffled sound of my steps. Nothing's changed, really - I still hate this house. When I have to go somewhere during the night, I still run as fast as I can.

When I arrive at his door I stop for a moment, hesitating. I'm beginning to feel really childish, and I consider returning to my own room. The unnerving feeling the nightmare left behind is stronger though, and I really don't want to pass the corridors again, so I quietly open the door and step inside.

Niisama is sleeping, lying on his back, his head tilted a little to the left. As silently as I can I tiptoe to his bed and look at him for a moment.

In sleep he looks really peaceful. Sometimes I wish I could see him like this when he's awake, but then he's always so stressed out and almost angry, I think. I wonder if this is his true self, if this is what he would be if things had gone differently. Although, had things gone differently, he would be a different person than what he is now... So maybe the cold and hard person he is during the day is as true as this.

True. I grin a little lopsidedly. A long time ago I decided to give up on the concept of truth, and still I wish that I could someday understand... well, everything. I laugh aloud at that. Everything. I can't settle with just anything can I?

_Does such a thing as a whole truth even exist?_

_So far, I've gathered all too many shards_

My laughter wakes niisama up and I shiver a little when I see the look in his eyes before he realizes who is standing beside his bed. Cold and suspicious...

"Nightmare again?" he asks, grinning a little as I nod. "Hop in, kiddo." He makes room for me, and I slip under the covers. After that neither of us says a word, and soon I can hear from his calm breathing that he is back in sleep.

I don't feel like sleeping right now, though. There are too many things blowing around in my mind.

I remember that day, the day of the Death-T tournament. How could I ever forget it... forget something that ended with niisama being in a coma-like state for _months_. The day when Yuugi - or his yami really - shattered niisama's heart so that he had to rebuild it. Rebuild it to what it was supposed to be...

I'm still not sure if I have forgiven Yuugi for that. I know he was trying to help niisama, but still he _hurt_ him.

Anyway, niisama came back, and he was different than the man he used to be, but he still wasn't what he was before... before _he_ got into the picture and turned niisama into a monster.

Thinking about _him_ I suddenly feel hate and anger boiling up inside me.

_He_ is the one who hurt niisama the worst. _He_ is the one who made niisama to forget how to smile... _He_ is the one I blame every time I hear someone calling niisama a bastard... or a coldhearted jerk or... whatever they call him.

Niisama always says that he's the one who won 'the game' he and Kaiba-san were playing, but sometimes I wonder about that... It's true, _he_ is dead, as I so often wished him to be, but in a way he still lives on. It's strange, how niisama hates him, yet he still follows his teachings, he still acts the way he used to act.

How can he have such a great effect on everything, even from beyond the grave? It is as if he was still controlling our lives, controlling everything...

The wind is howling in the corners of the house and I listen to its wail, trying to stop thinking. I have a feeling that I've always thought too much... maybe it really would be easier to stop it, even for a while. But I guess that _one_ of us has to keep on thinking about these things...

I turn to look at niisama's sleeping form. I can't help but wonder how he's able to live like this... and how long he will _continue _to be able. I still wish that he'd someday return to what he used to be, before we were adopted. It's been so long that I can barely remember him, but I have something to remind me. I grasp the locket that's hanging around my neck and squeeze it tightly. Yes... I wear it even during the nights. I want to have it on all the time.

I finger softly its smooth surface.

It's okay, though... Everything's okay. Even if niisama someday gets tired of this hectic life of his, I'll be there to help him. I glance at him again. Yes... he looks peaceful now, but during the days he's so tense. And it feels that he's only getting tenser day by day... I'm afraid he won't last for long.

When he someday admits that he doesn't want to live like this... _then_ he has really won. Then the memory of our beloved adoptive father - may he rot in hell for eternity and a day - will finally let go of our lives. But until then, I guess there's nothing else to do but to live with his shadow.

As I listen to niisama's quiet breathing under the storm's howling, I remember what I said to Yuugi on that day after Death-T...

"I'll wait forever for niisama to come back..."

And I will.

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Yep, that's it. I wonder why I'm nowadays writing songfics about Gozaburo... I had some problems with this one in fitting the lyrics to the fic (or the other way round), especially in the end, but I guess it didn't turn out _that_ bad. Weird ficcy, but I hope you liked it.

A big thank-you to Rayne-Jelly for her wonderful betaing!


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